Wtfoffers Budgie Smuggler: Two small triangles of fabric and a waistband. It could spark more debate than politics at Christmas lunch.
In theory, it’s just a swimsuit. In reality, they are a personality test, a confidence test, and a civil service presentation rolled into one. According to Australian slang, a “budgie smuggler” is a tight, speedo-like swimmer with a front pouch that looks suspiciously like he’s trying to sneak a small bird through customs.
Yet every summer, the beaches fill up with men. It proves that just because you can wear something doesn’t mean you have to wear it that way.
If you’re looking to unleash your inner bond on a budget this year, here’s our tongue-in-cheek guide on how not to wear a budgie smuggler.
1. Don’t treat wrong size as individuality
Budgie smugglers are guilty of two sizing crimes.
- Vacuum Seal – So solid that it looks like it was spray painted.
- Saggy Nappy – It’s so loose that it doubles as a hammock when there’s a breeze.
If a swimmer is blocking circulation to critical future generation equipment, the swimmer is too small. If half of the Pacific Ocean filled every time you stepped out of the water, that would be too big.
Rule of Thumb: If you need a shoehorn to put your shoe on, need a belt to hold it up, or look like you’re wearing a G-string, put the shoe back on the rack.
2. Don’t Skip Leg Day (10 Years)
Budgie smugglers are ruthless. Just as high definition reveals bad makeup, it also reveals the truth about your lower body.
It doesn’t have to be a Greek statue. But if your torso is a “rugby prop” and your legs are an “office chair enthusiast,” the imbalance will be noticeable.
Let’s do some squats. I sometimes walk. Why not try climbing the stairs once in a while? Smugglers aren’t just targeting “budgies.” They make up the entire exhibit.
3. Don’t forget to look behind you
Men are obsessed with the front, like the Eiffel Tower, and forget that the world sees the other side as well. The two smugglers disappearing into the cracks, as if searching for Narnia, are not atmospheric.
You want to be grounded, supported, and restrained, not mysterious, escapist, or emotionally turbulent.
Thank you very much:
Do a rearview mirror test before leaving home. Turn around in front of a full-length mirror. If you gasp, wince, or start laughing, adjust.
4. Don’t choose colors that betray you
Neon yellow. pure white. Beige that doesn’t go too well with your skin tone. These are dangerous waters, my friend.
- The white will show through faster than you can say “wave set”.
- Neon lights will turn you into a walking highlight.
- The skin-colored beige gives the impression of being naked when viewed from a distance. Grandma sitting on the sun lounger next to you does not need such a surprise.
A safer choice? Navy, deep red, black, emerald, or any fun print that won’t scream “I lost the bet.”
5. Don’t use print as a weapon
Yes, there are flamingos, pineapples, cartoon sound effects, and budgie smugglers with Australian flags. fun. wonderful. Love it.
But there’s a fine line between playfulness and “I found this in the novelty aisle at a hen party.”
avoid:
- A huge arrow points down. got it.
- Aggressive slogans like “LADIES’ FAVORITE”. Calm down.
- One that looks like it was designed by a drunk meme page.
If your print gets more attention than your face, it’s hurting you, not the other way around.
6. Don’t stand around waiting for your mugshot.
Your body language can make or break the situation with your budgie smuggler.
How not to stand:
- He drags his arms to his sides, knees locked, and stares into the sand as if he’s lost his dignity somewhere near his toes.
- His chest was sunken, his shoulders rolled forward, and he had a look on his face that said, “I made a terrible mistake.”
If you wear it, own it.
- Stand tall.
- Your shoulders will fall back.
- Neutral and relaxed stance.
- Less “scary intern” and more “I was meant to do this.”
Confidence won’t fix a catastrophically bad pair of swimmers, but it will keep a decent pair from looking tragic.
7. Don’t treat the beach like a catwalk of despair.
Yes, you’re showing more legs than usual. No, this isn’t a Love Island audition.
How not to behave like a budgie smuggler:
- It bends non-stop as if it swallowed a mirror.
- Always adjust the pouch to match the radio.
- We “casually” go up and down the coastline 10 times, in case anyone missed the first 9.
No one likes a hard-working peacock. Of course, put up a small support. But sit, swim, read a book, and eat potato chips. Be a human being, not a rotating product display.
8. Don’t ignore landscape conditions
As adults, we can tell you that budgie smugglers and their fur are closely related.
You don’t need to wax like an Olympic diver, but if things are escaping dramatically from the sides, front, and top, you might need to get it under control.
Think of it like gardening.
- Some people prefer wild.
- Some people like neat things.
- But no one wants to see a hedge attack their patio furniture.
Trim it, tidy it up, do whatever feels right to you. Just be careful not to let swimmers fight for space.
9. Don’t forget the context
What flies on the beaches of Brazil or the surf towns of Australia may not work so well at a very conservative family resort where people still wear polo shirts by the pool.
Read the room:
- Ibiza? Budgie Smuggler: Of course.
- Private villa with close friends? Good luck.
- A small village pool with a local swim club and a boss? It might not be the right time to debut a leopard-print micro pair.
You want to be remembered, not kicked out.
10. Don’t take yourself too seriously
This is the biggest rule of all.
Budgie smugglers are a bit silly in nature. That’s the charm. It’s meant to be fun, a little cheeky (sometimes literally), and a little over-the-top.
The real bane is the guy who seems pissed that other people aren’t in awe of his Lycra.
If a wave comes and everything changes a little, if a friend makes a joke, if someone grins, laugh together. A man who can instantly laugh at himself is more attractive than the man who models the fragrance Intense Ego.
11. So… how can I avoid wearing them?
In summary, the anti-checklist is:
- Is it too tight or too loose? Don’t wear it that way.
- Have legs been ignored since 2009? First, give them a love for the gym.
- Does the back look like an accident? Adjust. immediately.
- Are there any colors that are see-through or scream traffic cones? Please try again.
- A print designed for stag beetles? Keep that to private banter.
- The body language of a frightened statue? Relax, breathe, and move.
- Are you walking around frantically and constantly fiddling with your pouch? Please stop doing that.
- Landscaping that creates a prison escape? Trim the border.
- Is the environment wrong? Get to know your beach.
- Do you have zero sense of humor? That’s the real crime.
Wear these with confidence, a little self-consciousness, and the ability to laugh at yourself. Then suddenly tiny swimsuits won’t be a problem.
My goal this summer is simple.
If you’re going to smuggle a budgie, don’t turn it into a full-fledged circus.
